I've never been afraid of being alone; I actually love it. But this is a new type of alone. Before, solidarity was a choice. Now, it is a lifestyle. The irony is that I am constantly surrounded in the most densely populated city in America. Alone amid millions of people, that is the mood for the summer of 2018.
It’s all so simple.
If Only They Did
Do you think these people know
I cry tears of salt and alcohol at the third hour of every Friday morning
I dance on elevated surfaces in order to reach the places I left my head to float
I go home and sink into soggy sheets
If only these people knew
If only they cared
Alone Amid Millions of People
For eight days I have lived alone in New York City.
Distance physically separates me from familiar buildings, streets, and people. Physiological distance makes them figments of my imagination. Day by day, time unfolds and effortlessly glides into reality. Day by day, I feel alone. Day by day, I feel surrounded.
Being alone in a crowd of people is a paradox, so I use words to make sense of it all. How can I be alone when I’m not by myself? My mind turns in on itself. I see my reflection in each passing body and question who the world revolves around.
I admit, nights are bad. Physiological meets physical space and I become so acutely aware of the person living inside the shell I expose to the world. I shut the bedroom door tight; the air suffocates me with cold disinterest. I open my window to remind myself people of life. I think about feeling this way forever. I’m far from home. But what is home? And when I return home will I feel close again? Did I ever feel close? What and who would I feel close to? I feel close to, I feel on top of, myself. The inner me settles into the outer me and I fall asleep to the sound of urban life, faint in my ears and heavy in my soul.
I wake up, and I love New York City. I love that I can finally love something that won’t break my heart in the way it’s been broken before. That’s because New York City understands me in a way no person ever has. It loses me every night but actually finds me again the next morning. It lulls me to sleep with apologies that sound like honking horns and the rattle of women’s voices down the block. It wakes me up by kissing my cheek with city air sneaking in through the screen window. Amid millions of people, New York City loves me. It teaches me to love me.
Living Through Things
It’s 2018, and last night President Trump met with the leader of North Korea. Calling off all bombs and shaking hands, somehow I fear more for my life, and the world, now than I did yesterday.
I’m beginning to live through things that are impossible to believe. That is my rationale for fear of the end of the world.
Stream of Consciousness
Let yourself love him
It is an amazing feeling to be in love with someone
I know now that I can survive on my own
And that is an incredible realization
I'm finally ready to give myself to someone else
But I think I owe it to myself
To be with myself