My final thoughts on 2017, raw and unadulterated. Each word more real, each feeling more felt.
“A year ago” hasn’t felt like only one year in so many years
I used to feel them behind my kneecaps
But now they’re in my chest
Pressing on my rib cage
Once caused by changing weather
Now triggered by everything changing
Growing pains
Growing up is...
Clinging to your sheets at night and inhaling like a cigarette that gets you high on childhood
But I'm not clean
-that doesn't mean you won't be forever
She (Her Bed)
Clean sheets against lavender walls
Paved a road for her back all the same
Frames that stabilized a bag of broken bones
I look to now for support
Blankets and pillows still damp from absorbing
Years of tears
Oh the stories they could tell
But oh the saturation they must feel by now
How tired is she (her bed)
From taking an innocently broken heart
And swadling the fractures
To mend them back together
Night after night
Drunken night
Endless day
Writhing with fear
Midnight coffee stains
Stray socks
And cookie crumbs
Her sheets
Threads like a mother’s fingers
Combed through her shower-soaked locks
The scent of coconut shampoo and desolation
She hugged the duvet like she wasn’t alone
The pillow lulled in her ear
While she (her bed) rocked her to sleep
Nostalgia
The bitter taste of sadness that follows a sweet memory
Love (Myself)
The way I looked at you (at love)
Like I could save you (myself)
You didn't want me (my help)
You couldn't love me (yourself)
Now I see what I saw in you (in love)
You won't accept me (the truth)
That I saw something in you (myself)
While you remain lost in life (in love)
I learned how to live (to love)
Myself
Last Night's (Year's) Dream
(a song written on January 1, 2017)
The glow of a grey sky
It’s the only light
Christmas lights used to shine
Now they’re dimmed like mine
Sad songs are drowning
And the rain hits my ceiling
All the music I love
Reminds me of us
And the tears, the songs, and you
They fall like a landslide
Images of you
I tried burning in my mind
So I’m saying goodbye
To four years of my life
Like December rain
I don’t belong to this place
But I can’t force things
That were never meant to be
New Years turns like a clock but this one stops
On last night’s dreams
The way I looked at you
My eyes spelled out the truth
But you gave me every sign
I didn’t read, I immortalized
Who you really were
And what I fantasized
Now reality can strike me
One last time
So I’m saying goodbye
To four years of my life
Like December rain
I don’t belong to this place
But I can’t force things
That were never meant to be
New Years turns like a clock but this one stops
On last year's dreams
A last note
Reflection is bittersweet to me. Poetry, philosophy, unearthing any "truths"-- I live and die for it.
I love and hate to be alone
When I am alone
I can't help but reflect
When I reflect
I unearth the truth
When I unearth the truth
I must question what I know
When I question what I know
I question what is real
When I....
It ends with me deciding that nothing is real, and the universe might as well be a black hole (I think it technically might be).
With this in mind, reflecting on 2017 was its own beast. But if one collection of words could describe my year most accurately, it is what follows. Here are my parting words with 2017.
As I waited for someone to water my garden
I learned to grow on my own
#poetry #2017